Aishwarya not pregnant, Faking News goes GaGa.

                        
Mumbai: In a shocking revelation reported exclusively by Faking News, Aishwarya Rai Bachpan is actually not pregnant anymore. She was brought to LTMGH for post natal USG (Sonography) where our ‘Gupt Sutr’ spotted her removing a soft pillow from  under her top looking a perfect 36-24-36 and bribing the gynecologist.

When Faking News decided to investigate, it came to light that the shooting of Madhur Bhandarkar’s Heroine was in full swing and Aishwarya is still the lead actor. 7 Hills hospital which has been turned into a fortress as claimed by Mumbai Mirror dated 15/11/11 is the location where the last few scenes are being shot.

Faking News caught up with the director Bhandarkar who said, “After I enjoyed raping a small time model, I decided to include the casting couch angle in my movie. During the shooting of intimate scenes, Aishwarya actually got pregnant & we had to change the story line. She has already delivered twins Sallu and Vivek on 11/11/11 at 11:11 AM. We are now shooting the climax of the movie where she files a court case against her movie director and they live happily ever after.”

Both Big B & Small B refused to comment when Faking news tried contacting them in their ‘B-hive’. Whereas this revelation has shocked even the Faking News crew, many trade analysts say that the hype around Aishwarya’s baby is only to revive her husband’s sinking career and bring him back to limelight with something ‘productive’ at last although there are speculations that the 'do boond zindagi ke' are not his.

Reportedly, Big B had bet Rs.50 Crores and his ‘non-existent’ Rolls Royce Phantom (gifted by Vidhu Vinod Chopra for his spectacular performance in Eklavya) on whether Aishwarya would deliver Monozygotic or dizygotic twins.

Faking News: Doctor's Lounge almost loses its 'head.'

WRITTEN BY ARUN SWAMINATHAN- "Check out my tribute to the founder of Faking News:Doctors' Lounge !! Good show Mohit!! "

(All Names, incidents and institutions are real. This is not a work of fiction and must not be treated as one. No names have been changed for reasons of privacy / safety. The writer is not responsible for any of his actions despite being fully aware of his senses. No legal responsibility will be accepted by the writer in the event of something untoward happening, which he sincerely hopes to see happen. )

Mumbai:  In a highly dramatic event filled day, the likes of which have only been seen during final exam vivas, Faking News' head honcho and legendary newsman Dr.Mohit Garg agreed to stay on as CEO (Chief Entertainment Officer) after rejecting offers from some of the finest institutions in the world to work for them at a salary greater than what is being currently offered to him for his yeoman service at Faking News.

Reports suggest that various iconic institutions approached him and tempting offers were made to entice him away from his current position as CEO and MD (Madness Director).

Some of the approaches and negotiations that were made were as follows-

1) Apple - The company has been in turmoil since the death of its iconic and legendary founder Steve Jobs (who used to watch Bhojpuri movies with Mohit and was a 'close friend'). They reportedly approached Mohit with an offer that included his own office in California with 2 'actresses' as his secretaries for his...daily needs, his own dabbawala service for his minimal dietary needs titled as 'iDiet' and his own movie production studio titled 'iApples', an obvious reference to his legendary fondness of apples, of the eating variety, of course. Mohit turned down the offer as he had already been asked by Jobs about it. Jobs had told him that he could have large assets during tenure as Apple chairman to which Mohit replied by removing his shirt and showing his paunch to Jobs declaring it his largest asset. Jobs reportedly died of shock with his last words being, "Oh Wow!!Wow!"

2) Google - Sergei Brin and Larry Page realized that they were inviting the greatest marketing genius of all time when they came by to offer Mohit a position on the board of Google. They offered him half of the total shares of the company, his own McDonald's and daily sandwich jobs with his favourite employees among other benefits like a salary of 100 million $/week, a chauffeur driven truck and as many free beers as he could count daily. Mohit turned it down saying half was only 25% of shares, he preferred Jumbo King over McDonald's, sandwich jobs with Larry and Sergei were not possible because the bed would not hold their weight, it would take a week for him to count 100 million, he preferred a royal bullock-cart driven by a 100 donkeys and he could only have 10 beers since he could not count more than that using hisfingers.

3) Anna Hazare - One of his major local offers came from our very own crusader,Annaji,who wished to have Mohit on his team. The government of India protested saying that when Anna who fasted for a few days could change so much,  what was the need to use Mohit who could safely fast for a year at least? They greatly feared the results of a year long fast from Mohit, which while highly anticipated, would be very lethal since national food reserves would double and cause a sharp drop in food prices. They claimed that this would cause financial instability and collapse of many institutions. Mohit declined Annaji's offer claiming that government stability was important for security and he could bring down the government or any other institution any time he wanted to by standing on top of their buildings.

 4) WikiLeaks - Impressed by his insightful and fearless reporting, WikiLeaks leader Julian Assange offered Mohit the job he himself held via video chat from London where he is being held for 'rape'. He offered to teach Mohit the latest techniques for espionage and electronic surveillance and Yoga and diet techniques for personal use. Mohit declined because he thought Assange was trying to fool him by offering to teach a technique that is impossible to master like Kung-fu dragon fireballs or Nuclear Reactor technology. Mohit had tried every diet on Wikipedia and the internet and had come to the realization that weight loss diets were as effective as asking ortho professors to rate students on the basis of knowledge rather than looks.

 5) Tata Group - The final offer for Mohit came from the famous Tata Group. Ratan Tata himself offered to guide Mohit in his first 2 years of employment before Mr.Tata retired to ensure a smooth transition. Mohit refused the job because Tata group served only 2 types of vada-pav in its canteens and not the 8-9 types that Mohit wanted .

Officials at LTMMC and LTMGH spoke off the record to this reporter and expressed regret that Dr.Garg had not taken up any of the offers made to him. They were worried that he would pursue news writing and eating with more enthusiasm, as if it were needed. Dr. Garg himself told us his reasons for staying on. As he very astutely put it, " It is my undying love for this campus, its people and all that it holds that keeps me here. The large beautiful clean buildings, spacious living quarters, healthy and friendly people, large salary of Rs.2000 and easily available high quality canteen food that will hold me here forever. But most importantly, it is the helpful and friendly librarian who keeps me from leaving. One smile from that face and it wipes away all your pain and fears."

This reporter wishes Dr.Garg many more happy, healthy and hungry years at LTMGH and shares Dr.Garg's large appetite...for life, of course. Thank you for your work and support, Dr.Garg. We all love you, Mohit. Keep up your inspiring work and continue to inspire your followers. May 'The Stomach that walks' continue to give us courage and fight for freedom for many more years to come.

LTMMC fashion show fixed, claims Rageshwari.

Mumbai: After a sensational claim by Vinod Kambli yesterday that 'there was something fishy about 1996 Word Cup Semi Final', Rageshwari Sachdev, a small time TV soap actress & a permanent judge of the Ashwamedh Fashion show has made similar claims about the LTMMC extravaganza.

When Faking News caught up with her, she explained. " Usually only 2 teams participate each year. One of the home college and the other whom the student council pays to walk the ramp. LTMMC 'models' are so pathetic that if the girls tie their hair and wear their specks, they will look like medical students...Boys too are completely expressionless. Still in a trance like state, I always declare LTMMC the winner. I think the smart doctors mix something in the Mazaa cold drink they give me."

The 2009 Fashion Show too was surrounded in controversy when the then Dean Dr. Moneykha Matkar angrily handed over the mic back to the anchor to 1st announce, " Now our respected Dean will say a few words". The same year, an ugly LTMMC female model shook her ass Shakira style and the excited Dr.Matkar awarded her the best female model award.

Though an official report is now awaited after Jodha & Akbar filed an RTI, the current student council has now been rusticated and barred from giving the upcoming University Exams. The erstwhile student council has too been charged and ordered to pay not 5 but 10 lakhs or face 2 yeas of MOship.

The current Dean Sangam refused to comment on the issue.

H.O.D. turns 'Nayak', LTMGH comes to a standstill.

Mumbai: In an unusual incident yesterday which seems straight out of a bollywood flick, the PSM Department HOD (A self proclaimed Die Hard fan of Anil Kapoor) inspired by the movie 'Nayak' angrily asked an Intern to be 1 day's HOD. The innocent intern Dr. Pranshul Kamdar, known for intelligently forging completion signatures had waited for '15' long minutes outside the HOD's room in the wee working office hours.

"When I peeped inside, the HOD was combing his bald head in front of the mirror, singing and dancing to the song 'My name is Lakhan' which suddenly changed to 'Munni Badnam Hui' and he started shaking his booty. I thought he was in his jolly mood and finally after months of stealing the roster, forging signatures, I will get my signatures. Then he called me in", said the Baby face intern Dr.Kamdar. Little did he know that the HOD was a cunning pig who blasted him for catching him unawares and asked to become 1 day's HOD to see for himself how difficult the job was. Surprisingly, Kamdar, an old time hostel secretary and the Accounts secretary who had learned to play it dirty, gladly accepted the offer.

This news spread like wild fire and all interns were seen bursting fire crackers at LTMGH and raising Aprons on IV stands to show their solidarity. The day was declared as a holiday for the interns as Kamdar announced a stat CME on 'PSM: Recent Advances in commode sizes'. A Lavish lunch, flowing alcohol and sexy pole dancers were called for after the CME. Some interns got their internship certificate signed for as low as Rs.500. PSM registrars and Houseman were too seen having a Kitty party at Shabri and playing bridge. Few were seen playing FIFA on the 3 computers in the satellite room while some rushed to the hostel with their girlfriends. Our 'Gupt' Samwadata report that the sale of condoms from the near by medical store apparently skyrocketed yesterday. PSM mamas too were seen drinking and dancing in the PSM museum. Registrars from many departments were seen sweating in the sun carrying dabbas and xeroxes for Associate Professors. Shockingly, patients in the casualty were seen putting IV lines, Ryle's tube and Foley's catheter on their own. Trauma patients were piled up in the store room and kept for CT scan for next day. Everyday pathetic life at LTMGH nearly came to a standstill.

While HOD's from other Departments who joined the interns in the celebration too promised to make an intern 1 day's HOD in future, the MUHS Director (Municipal Union of Hospital Services) ordered to set an investigating committee on the issue. PSM HOD now faces up to 100 days of internship to compensate for the loss of '90 Intern Days' [ 90 interns x 1day = 90 Intern days, Read Time & Work from School Text books to know more].

In an exclusive interview with Faking News, the Dean of LTMMC & LTMGH Sangam commented and I quote, "Democracy has finally prevailed, Medical Colleges are of the Interns, by the Interns and for the interns." Till the committee submits its report, Dr.Pranshul Kamdar has been requested to continue as the acting PSM HOD for now. "My next step is to get the internship stipend increased to Rs. 25000 per month", he said.

FIFA Power, go get it.

Mumbai: In a study conducted by a Psychiatry resident in LTMMC and published in the British Medical Journal, it was found that medical students who play FIFA in their undergraduate days are smarter than those who don't. When the brains of the students under study were removed and weighed post MBBS, it was found that they were 20% heavier with increased content of grey matter seen on histology slide.

Faking news caught up with Dr.Psyco The'rapist how FIFA playing MBBS students pass without studying much." Scoring a goal in a match lights up the orgasm center in the brain, as a result most FIFA players don't feel the need of a boyfriend/ Girlfriend (Yes girls are now addicted too) and with time, learn to concentrate in the game and in the few hours of study they do.", said Dr.The'rapist.

Today, on a normal day in the hostel, most undergraduates are found playing FIFA during the preparatory leave given before the upcoming university exams. With LAN and online hubs providing more fierce non medico opponents, FIFA players are at their competitive best. "FIFA teaches us teamwork, keep our cool, it increases our confidence to go for the exam without any worry," said Master Mickey, well known non certified Computer Hacker who would solve people's computer woes even on the phone for as low as Rs.10. "FIFA should be made a part of the 3rd year curriculum," added Master's arch rival Abhishek.

This study which has been critically acclaimed by the scientists and doctors in the west did not go too well with the Hostel warden who has been pulled up for the hostel's  high electricity bill. Most FIFA addicts play for 10-12 hours a day, never switching off the PC all day and taking undue advantage of the free electricity. The angry Dean has requested students of the opposite sex ( Batch mates/Seniors,Juniors) to woo FIFA addicts so that the college result and reputation is not hampered.

Scientists around the world are now urging patients of Alzheimer's Disease and attention deficit to start playing FIFA immediately. In a news that has put LTMGH on the world map, Dr.Psycho The'rapist has been nominated for next years Nobel prize in the field of Medicine.

100s washed away as amniotic sac bursts.

Mumbai: In a rare incident which exposed the incompetence of the maintenance department of LTMGH, 100s were washed away when an amniotic sac in labor burst causing flash floods in Ward 12. The sac was reportedly 9 months old and the twin residents were warned by MUHS (Municipal Union for Hospitality Services) in the past.

Faking news caught up with Ganpat, a ward Mama who had a miraculous escape. "We were all sleeping like always when suddenly we heard a blast. Initially we thought it was the Registrar scolding the Houseman but when we saw newborns running out of the labor room,we knew something was wrong. Next moment the lights went out and I found myself riding a 1 foot tall wave. Luckily, I climbed onto the USG machine floating close to me.

In the wake of the aftermath, nurses were seen carrying the placenta stealing ward cats on their shoulders and walking through the slimy fluid....Many cribs were destroyed, ward incubators also flooded. As the fear of the Tsunami looms over, many patients from the 'non existent' Ward 13 were shifted to the college hostel across the road.The disaster management team from PSM department which saw the event live from the satellite room swung into action and now claims to get things back to normal in 3-4 days.

Among the most hard hit were the houseman from all units who were rendered homeless. "We spent out entire 1st year in the ward side room. Even daily chores like drinking and dancing were done there", recollected Anand Nanawati, a famous Mumbai based gynecologist and an alumni of LTMMC. The Dean of LTMMC Sangam has labelled it as a very unfortunate natural calamity. "We have forwarded our request to MUHS for a new drainage system in LTMGH, it is likely to cost around 3 Crores", he added with a wicked smile.

If you wish to bring back the smile, finance the expensive education or adopt the writer, send your generous donations in form of 'Comments/Likes' to Faking news, C/O Dr.Free Spirit, Locker No.5, Boys Common Room, LTMMC. Last date of accepting donations - The day India becomes corruption free.

Facebook addiction hits student section.

MUMBAI : Facebook after spoiling the lives of Teenagers and the youngsters, has now caught up with clerks in student section. Student section clerks aged 40 yrs of age or 45+ are usually found playing Farmville, Mafia Wars, looking for their Lost Love or reading Faking News: LTMMC & LTMGH on the computer with free unlimited internet access provided by the college

Lately MUHS (Municipal Union of Hospital Services) has observed that all the students belonging to LTMMC always submit their forms or fees or any other required Document one day prior or on the last date of submission. Accompanied by Faking News, MUHS decided to investigate.

" I went there being as casual as possible to look like a LTMMC student. I walked into the Students Section and went to ask for the details of a scholarship form. The person in charge who was busy poking his wife and children on Facebook, turned and said "Abhi tak aaya nahi hai, next week pucho" and returned to the screen, reports our Samwadata Hiranmayee. To this information MUHS claimed that the forms were sent two weeks ago. She also found that turn by turn, the female clerks have video chats with their husbands and the males with their girlfriends on the computer provided.

MUHS officials who paid a surprise visit to the student section found the office closed at 12:30 pm and was to open only at 2:30pm due to reasons of Lunch break. On peeping inside, the clerks were found sitting on the tables and watching Youtube links on Facebook. Angry MUHS officials have now asked the Dean to submit a report within 7 days failing which the college will be derecognized.